Late night thoughts (Completely unrelated to photography)
I am sitting at my desk and it is close to 10 PM. At this hour I am supposed to be heading to bed but tonight my husband is playing around with his 3D printer and I am baking oatmeal/raisin cookies. Today is a little different, as it is every 3 months or so when I am preparing to go to Denmark for a few weeks. The week leading up to my departure is always filled with thoughts, sadness and fear. I think it all stems from our times of separation while we were still dating and further yet when I was waiting for my visa. We would be apart for months at a time, driven crazy by love and distance. That feeling lingers, and even though I have a return ticket and my stay will only be for 2 small weeks, it still fills us with sadness.
I am reminded of what I am missing out on. I have an almost 5-year-old niece and my sister is pregnant with her second child. My parents are moving into the house in Sweden and I am missing out on so many milestones.
So much fear......
I am honestly tired of living in fear and what if's, but it is also the life I choose. I have never chosen the conventional path. I have always stepped away from the main road to explore, feel and discover. Now is not any different.
I have so many dreams and hopes for the future, but I think, being an immigrant, I will always have the fears and what if's. I will always be attached to two different countries....if not more, and I will always feel like I am missing out. It is how it is.
I honestly don't know what I want to say with all of these words. They are late night thoughts driven by a fear of departure and a fear of what will or will not be. But they are also a part of me as a human.
I had a meeting with a client today. She said something very wise to me along the lines of this.
There are so many coaches, whether they be life coaches, fitness coaches or business coaches, who are all cheering you on from the top, looking down on you while you are struggling to move out and up of your own despair. There aren't that many coaches who will sit with you in the mud. Who will struggle with you. Get dirty with you and fight with you. They will all tell you how to do it, but a good coach will show you and lead by example.
Now, they might now have been her exact words, but the message was the same and they struck a chord with me.
As a portrait photographer who has made it my mission to help women empower themselves, help them fall in love with themselves, I am facing similar issues. It is so easy standing from a point of success, looking down and telling people how to get up, when sometimes what they need is someone leading by example. Showing that being human is okay.
I have started doing inspirational speaking, talking from my own point of view as a person who once viewed herself as a victim of society. I talk about not fitting into boxes and breaking free of convention.
But it is so easy to speak. It is much harder to be the example, and sometimes that example is just being human, with everything that comes with it. We are not always strong. We are not always successful. Sometimes fear seems to take over our mind and hearts and if we don't watch out, that fear will overpower us and dominate us. I think the best we can do is face it head-on. Do what seems scary. Not avoiding the things that hurt. Travelling every 3 months to see your family and being faced with all the things you are missing out on. Feeling like you are not enough to all the people you care about and want to be an influence for and at the same time being so grateful for all the other stuff that you have and are capable of because of those exact choices that lead you into that situation, to begin with.
I guess that is what I am trying to do now. Show that my life has other facets than being a successful photographer. That I have other thoughts, feelings and hopes that occupy my mind on a late night where I am supposed to put the cookies in the oven and also get that laundry done so I will have clean underwear for my trip.