I cried (and it wasn't pretty!)

It’s interesting, sometimes you watch a movie that moves you so right into your core. It bring tears to your eyes and evokes emotions to a beautiful degree.
Usually, the tears are just running silently, as you are watching and emphasizing with the moments you see on the screen.
Well, tonight I watched Coco. A Pixar movie, that if you haven’t seen it yet, I highly encourage you to do so…..and I cried.
Not the pretty kind where one perfect tear, silently falls down and caresses the cheek.
Nope, really not like that!
Let’s face it. I ugly-cried. Snot-running, puffy, red eyes, out loud, hysterically, passionately, sorrowfully.
It wasn’t pretty. You can ask my husband.


There is a scene, where the main characters great grandmother is forgetting about who her father was. She is old and suffering from dementia. Her mind is slipping and with it, the memory of her father whom she lost at an early age. When her great-grandson sings and plays, she remembers everything, which brings back her father in the land of the dead.
The animators did something quite extraordinary. They showed the face of someone who is forgetting, someone who is no longer there.
Her vacant expression was almost the spitting image of that of my own grandmother right before she passed away. She died at 93 years of age and she suffered from dementia.
I remember times where she didn’t recognize me, or couldn’t connect me into her own life. Eventually, she became so ill, that the roles reversed and my mother had to take care of her. The roles reversed for me as well. She went from being someone strong and constant, to simply not being there, of no fault of her own.

Roughly a month before her passing with my very pregnant sister

I haven’t told this to many, but by the time she passed, I didn’t mourn her all that much. I had already mourned the loss of the woman I knew as my Grandmother. She died many years before that when her mind was no longer her own. So when the day came and my mum called me to tell me it had happened, I shed few tears and moved on with my life.

With Coco, that changed.

Watching Coco (which is also the name of the Great Grandmother in the movie), evoked so many emotions in me, that before I knew it, I was sobbing loudly, and eventually sorrow just took over and I let myself be overcome by it.
For the first time, I really mourned her passing.
I mourned never seeing her smile again, hearing her voice or smelling her scent.
I mourned the feeling of security and safety.
And I missed the love, because even though I don’t remember her actually saying that she loved me, I was never in doubt.

She didn’t live a great life my modern standards. She didn’t do anything extraordinary. She lived a quiet, but what I believe was a satisfied life.

Roughly a month before her passing

I wish I had more portraits of her. I have one that I took back in the early days of my own photography.
Right before she passed away she had a lucid and somewhat happy moment with my very pregnant sister. I managed to capture that, and soon, it will be hanging on my wall next to my granddad, her husband.
I wish she knew how much I miss her.
I wish I could see her one more time.
I am so grateful that I had found photography at that point in my life, so I at least, could document who she was in the end.